Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
