Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
