I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize