I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
