did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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