I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize