I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
