Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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