I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
