I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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