Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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