Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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