Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
