I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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