Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
