direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
