So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
