go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
