i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
