All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
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