I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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