I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it's like iHOP with fire
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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