You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
