We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
