sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
