I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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