watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize