Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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