I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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