proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize