The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
