There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
