if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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