Im at strip club and am horny
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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