guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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