Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
