Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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