After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
