Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
