If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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