Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
