you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
