I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize