I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
