His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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