I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
