All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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