Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
