Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
