Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Shame - the story of my life.
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