got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
