I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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