She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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