My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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