Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
