She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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